Trust
Trust can be a funny thing. Many of us see it as something that can come and go based on experiences. I’ve learned to see it a bit differently as I’ve grown over the past few years. Let me share a bit of my development in this area.
Trust is a gift we give to others, which means we need to give it freely. You may say, “What about someone who hasn’t earned my trust or someone who has lost my trust?” Remember that trust is a gift, not something to be earned. The definition of a gift is something that is given willingly without expectation of payment.
It sounds simple: Give trust to others and be trustworthy yourself. We all know it does not quite work that easily. Sometimes there are “gaps” between what we expect people to do and what they actually do.
For example, someone who says they will pick you up at 5 p.m. and doesn’t show up until 5:30 p.m. creates a gap. Leadership gurus Kara Finnigan, Alan Daly, and Andy Stanley call these “trust gaps.” You decide what to put in the gap—fill the gap with trust or fill the gap with suspicion. The choice we make determines the integrity of the relationship.
Patrick Lencioni, the author of The Advantage, talks about how we characterize the behaviors of others. He calls it the “fundamental attribution error.” He says, “It is the tendency to attribute the negative or frustrating behaviors of colleagues to their intentions and personalities.”
When your friend doesn’t show up until 5:30 p.m., you immediately start thinking about the negative aspects of his or her personality (he/she is always late or forgetful, doesn’t value our friendship). However, if you are late, you give yourself grace (the kids wouldn’t eat dinner, traffic was bad, car needed gas). We have to start giving that same grace to others and filling the gap with trust rather than suspicion.
Lencioni also notes, “When there is trust, conflict becomes nothing more than the pursuit of truth.” When you trust first, you presume positive intent. Your friend is late for a good reason, not due to a personality defect. It changes your outlook on life and your outlook on the individuals in your life. In turn, this helps you build stronger relationships in all aspects of your life.
Follow these commitments regarding trust and you will witness a shift: First, decide that if there is a gap between what you expect and what you experience, you will fill the gap with trust. Second, commit that if what you see or experience begins to erode your trust, you will go directly to the individual and talk about it. Third, if you create a gap (you don’t live up to what you say you are going to do), you will tell the individuals involved before they even notice a gap or hear it from others.
I encourage you to try filling the gap with someone today. Close that gap so that you can move forward to pursue happier and healthier relationships. In the Lower School, trust has been a topic of focus. The Lower School faculty and staff are practicing giving the gifts of trust and trustworthiness to each other and others in our lives. This practice will result in a stronger community. In the wise words of Ernest Hemingway, “The best way to find out if you can trust someone, is to trust them.”
Other resources on trust:
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La Jolla, CA 92037
858-453-3440
© 2024 La Jolla Country Day School
Privacy Policy
COVID-19 Prevention Plan
