Three Things Everyone Should Know Before Growing Up

Students sometimes ask me about the relevance of basic research in psychology to their lives and careers. It’s hard to know where to begin—every action we take and every thought we entertain is a consequence of psychological processing. But here are three things that stand out: lessons I wish I’d learned much earlier than I did.

In a 2001 study, psychologists Kenneth Savitsky, Nicholas Epley and Thomas Gilovich asked college students to consider various social blunders, such as being the sole guest at a party who failed to bring a gift. Some students—the “offenders”—imagined experiencing these awkward moments themselves, while others considered how they, or another observer, would respond to watching someone else commit the blunder.

The researchers found that offenders thought they’d be judged much more harshly than the observers actually judged others for those offenses. In other words, observers were more charitable than offenders thought they would be.

Why do we expect others to judge us more harshly than they do? One of the main reasons is our obsessive focus on ourselves. If you fail to bring a gift to a party, you might feel embarrassed and focus exclusively on that single bit of information about you. In contrast, other people will form an impression of you based on several different sources of information. They’ll also have plenty to keep them occupied besides you: enjoying a conversation, planning their evening, or worrying about the impression they’re making. We don’t loom nearly as large in other people’s narratives as we do in our own.

What studies like these show is that others judge us less harshly than we think they will, not that they don’t judge us harshly at all. But that should be enough to provide some solace. We can take it as an invitation to worry less about what others think of us, and as a reminder to be generous in how we judge them.

Is a person’s intelligence a fixed quantity they’re born with? Or is it something that can change throughout their lives?

The answer is probably a bit of both. But a large body of research suggests you’re better off thinking of intelligence as something that can grow. Psychologist Carol Dweck and her colleagues have been studying theories or “mindsets” about intelligence for decades, and they find that mindset matters. People who have a “growth mindset” typically do better in school and beyond than those with a “fixed mindset.”

One reason mindset is important is because it affects how people respond to feedback. Suppose George and Francine both do poorly on a math test. George has a growth mindset, so he thinks to himself, “I’d better do something to improve my mathematical ability. Next time I’ll do more practice problems!” Francine has a fixed mindset, so she thinks to herself, “I’m no good at math. Next time I won’t bother with the honors course.” And when George and Francine are given the option of trying to solve a hard problem for extra credit, George will see it as an attractive invitation to grow his mathematical intelligence, while Francine will see it as an unwelcome opportunity to confirm she’s no good at math.

Small differences in how George and Francine respond will, over time, generate big differences in the experiences they expose themselves to, their attitude toward math and the proficiency they ultimately achieve.

The good news is that mindsets are themselves malleable. Praising children’s effort rather than their intelligence, for example, can help instill a growth mindset.

 

We take it for granted that children should play. By adulthood, that outlook often gives way as we make time for more “mature” preoccupations. In her recent book Overwhelmed: Work, Love, and Play When No One Has the Time, Brigid Schulte takes a close look at how American adults spend their leisure time. She isn’t too impressed: We don’t have much of it (especially mothers), and we don’t enjoy it as much as we could.

Young adults are somewhere in the transition: too old for “child’s play” but not yet adults. But the lesson from psychology is that there’s a role for play at all ages, whether it’s elaborate games of make-believe, or art, music and literature. Playing is a way to learn about ourselves and about the world, and it brings with it a host of emotional benefits.

It’s thus perhaps ironic (but fortuitous) that play is also a means to greater well-being and productivity, even outside the playroom. So make time for play; it’s not something to outgrow.