An Ocean of Feedback

By Julie Strong, Ph.D., Upper School dean of faculty
Each of us receives feedback all day, every day. From “Why didn’t you put that dirty plate in the dishwasher?” at home to “Did you get that report done?” at work, feedback is all around us. Our children are no exception. In their book Thanks for the Feedback, Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen report that students get as many as 300 pieces of school work graded each year, not to mention auditions, sports team tryouts, standardized tests and other evaluative feedback. Stone and Heen open their book by stating, “We swim in an ocean of feedback.” We don’t have to leave our children adrift, though. Demonstrating effective ways to receive feedback can help children develop resilience and grow from the information.

A crucial element in responding to feedback is recognizing that we have the power to control how we react. I can choose to take the constructive part (or at least the constructive intention) of the feedback by asking clarifying questions and by maintaining a separation between who I am and what I have done. Stone and Heen call this “sorting towards coaching.” Perhaps the person asking when the report will be finished wants to know my timing, so she can plan the follow-up steps. Or, perhaps I missed a deadline, meaning I made a mistake—not that I’m a bad person. I then have the opportunity to consider how I can grow from that experience, so I don’t miss the next deadline.

These approaches are not always intuitive for children. As good as children are at learning from our actions, the value of sharing our thought processes cannot be overstated. Making Thinking Visible, by Ron Ritchhart, Mark Church and Karin Morrison, reminds us that it is not enough to tell kids the outcome; we also need to clearly explain the process of getting to the result, so they can follow the steps themselves. This principle applies not only to learn how to write a research paper but also to life skills and character development.

This fall, I had the privilege of shadowing our head football coach, Tyler Hales, for a full week. One of my favorite parts of the week was “Coach Talk.” The players’ rapt attention to one of their respected coaches’ thoughts on the meaning of a theme such as “family” spoke volumes about kids’ eagerness to learn how we, as adults, navigate our lives and relationships. We should never hesitate to take advantage of opportunities to share these thoughts.

At LJCDS, we strive to see feedback as the beginning of a conversation, not the end. We model asking questions, seeing a situation from another’s perspective, and reflecting on what could be done better, all the while making our processes visible to the students. We help each other by coaching the feedback giver, steering them towards the kinds of information that will help us move forward. We also aim to demonstrate being gentle with ourselves, remembering that we are human and that it’s important to be proud of what has been accomplished instead of frustrated by what has not. Our children are awash in this ocean of feedback, and we can help them swim with confidence.
 
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