Conquering Fears

Class of 2025. Thank you for inviting me to deliver your faculty commencement speech. We have had some amazingly ridiculous interactions this year, too many to count, but through it all, you have shown yourselves to be a caring, bright, and hardworking group of kids. Having the opportunity to see you off in this way is quite an honor. 

Trying to figure out what to say to you has been a little tricky. Through a screen, the world appears to be a frightening mess at the moment. Crisis after crisis, wars, economic instability, creeping fascism, you name it, we’ve got it. But if there is one thing I could leave you with, it's a reminder that not everything is as scary as it seems.

Apologies to my psychology students who heard a version of this story during our unit on phobias, but today I want to talk about spiders. I watched the 90s movie “Arachnophobia” at way too young an age. For those who haven’t seen it, a town gets infested with venomous spiders. Quick synopsis: there's a spider in the popcorn, there’s a spider in the shower, you get the idea. This god awful movie had me showering with my eyes open for at least the next five years, and with that, a solid phobia of spiders cemented itself. 

Fast forward a bit. I’m three years into my marriage with a stern but loving Israeli woman, and I see a spider in the corner of our tiny home in Normal Heights. My wife, who is eight months pregnant, sees it too, but before I can point to it and say my normal “take care of it, babe,” she hits me with some cold truth. She says, while staring deep into my soul, “You are about to be a dad, and dads aren’t afraid of spiders.”

I sit in my shame for a few seconds, gather up some courage, snag a cup and a piece of paper and take that behemoth of a daddy longlegs very carefully, outside the house. But, before I can do a victory lap, she hucks herself off the couch, walks slowly to the kitchen and says, “When I was a kid, my dad used to catch spiders in the house with his bare hands.” Thanks, wife.

I try to let it go, but her proclamation festers for weeks before I get a chance to redeem myself. In the same corner of our house, a different but equally terrifying daddy longlegs is staring at both of us. I take a breath, stomp over, grab the spider with my bare hand, and then quickly run and throw it out the window, wash my hands, and maybe scream a little bit. Although it was horrifying, the nod I got from her meant everything, so I kept doing it, and each time I got a little less scared. 

What I did is referred to as exposure therapy, and it's the whole point of my speech. Eliminating unnecessary fears should be your goal over the next few years, and with that being said, here are some of my favorite things that aren’t as scary as they seem. These are considered “daddy longlegs.” When you see one, be brave and grab them with your bare hands, repeatedly, until the fear is gone. Trust me, it will be worth it. 

To start, international travel with only a backpack is not as scary as it seems. Heading to a new continent with a rough travel itinerary is a jarring experience, but it pushes you to adapt in ways few other things can. Catching chicken buses, getting lost, and asking for help in a foreign language. All of these things seem worse than they actually are, and they teach you a lot about yourself. 

Also, hostels are entirely worth it. They are small and grimy places where you’re crammed in bunk beds with smelly but incredible travelers from around the world. These people will introduce you to new ways of thinking and force you into adventures you will never forget. This is a can’t-miss, and besides, each time you share a small bathroom with a friendly but incredibly hairy backpacker, you feel a little less self-conscious and a little freer.  

Another daddy longlegs is to do the right thing, even if it’s an unpopular choice. We studied Asch’s line experiment and realized that standing up against the crowd, even when it’s overwhelmingly obvious that it's the right thing to do, is a terrifying premise. Every bone in your body tells you not to speak up, to convince yourself into believing that it’s not so bad. 

But the more you don’t speak up, the more ingrained it will become, and before you know it, doing the right thing becomes a phobia worse than clowns. Perhaps this involves standing up to a particular injustice that really bothers you. You think about it and think about it until you feel like you’re about to pop. Don’t stay quiet, speak your truth, even if it’s against the majority. 

Or instead, it could be as simple as stopping the party before someone gets hurt. Keeping a friend from driving drunk will feel awkward and nosy and none of your business, but it's the right thing to do. The more you expose yourself to this kind of bravery, the easier it will be moving forward. 

Finally, college is an incredible chance to reinvent yourself. Never in your life will you be in a place with so many opportunities to see things you have never seen before or try things you have always been curious about. Say yes to as many scary things as you can over the next few years. If you are nervous about speaking in front of people, sign up for a small part in a campus play. It can be your secret, but force yourself up on that stage until it's no big deal. 

Nervous around Republicans? Introduce yourself to one and realize everyone is much more than their political affiliation. Professors intimidate you? Force yourself to go to office hours every week for an entire semester. New things are always a little scary; that's part of being human. However, the more you try new things, the less fearful you will be. How could you not want that for your future self?

Thank you again for allowing me the opportunity to speak to you today. You are an incredible group of young people. We are all incredibly proud of you and look forward to seeing what fears each of you chooses to conquer. Congratulations, class of 2025.